I'm thinking, I'm considering and I'm hesitating.

My English is so bad that I feel awkward all the time when I am about to write sth, to say sth or to raise my voice. That may be the main reason that I totally forget my plan to improve English skills while I am at school.
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Recently I have a strange feeling. My life is so dull. I don't have any long-term targets to reach. In my short vision, I cannot find the light at the end of my road. I even don't know where it's taking me to. Just let it be! I'm tired of thinking about my future. I feel so lonely!
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Perhaps I do need some time to think over everything. No matter how boring my life is, I want to see it in the bright side. I know that it's no use just thinking of everything and doing nothing then. Though I have told myself not to give up a thousand times, though I tried so hard to bring me just a little success, though I'm alive, I am not who I wanted to become.
It's very embarrassed of me to say so but I have to face it anyway.
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I'm thinking and I'm hesitating.